So, after yesterday’s experiment in meditation, I said I was given a sort of insight. Yesterday it felt special, glowing in my chest. Today, it just seems like something I realized. Like when you realize “Hey, what these people think doesn’t matter.” In other words, I remember it feeling special, but I don’t have that feeling any more.
Is that maybe a sign of my basic ingratitude as a person?
The problem: I didn’t begin my meditation looking for an answer to this question, but it’s been bugging me. I am — or was — a bit frustrated by the fact that I’d chosen to explore a path and was investing what felt like a lot of time, energy and self into the exploration, but didn’t feel like I was moving forward.
It didn’t feel any more like my path.
Don’t ask me to explain what I would have thought progress would feel like. I don’t know. I didn’t even think I knew then, either. But I knew it wasn’t coming.
My insight: I like the idea of living in the same rhythm as nature. Of being in step with the planet. It seems like who I think I should be, and it feels like who I want to be.
Yesterday I wrote I had no idea where the idea came from. Now, my mind seems to have placed in a context in which I was in a forest, wondering what the trees would have told me.
And I realized: it’s winter. That was my insight. Winter isn’t a time of enormous growth — at least, not for the living things I know and love so much. I realized that, not growing was maybe me falling into step with the planet.
It sounds corny. Almost like an excuse. The kind of thing a pastor would say to you when you doubt your faith.
But, I made the extra step of asking myself “Well, what should I be doing in winter, if not growing?” (Now, I realize I should have thought back on what I was thinking when I first realized we are in the fire friend moon.) Winter is a time when many gardeners prune their trees. The same is true in vineyards.
Winter, in other words, is a time for selecting the direction in which the energy of the spring will be focused.
Perhaps my being drawn to druidry right now is me subconsciously responding to the rhythms of the planet. Perhaps I’m imposing a layer of meaning on something that’s simply coincidental. (There’s an argument to be made that I read more when it’s dark outside, that I’m exposed to more ideas the more I read, and, finally, winter would logically be the time when I would encounter druidry. . . But maybe that’s just the rhythm of the planet. I know which version feels better to me.)
The challenge: It sounds like a simple thing. To say, okay, I’ve chosen my direction, I’ll wait until spring to grow. But, I’ve taken it as a challenge as well. This is — in conventional traditions (see: New Year’s Resolutions) as much as I sense it in druidic tradition (from my reading on the winter solstice) — a time for choosing new paths, for terminating paths that have led nowhere.
And I could stand to terminate a few paths. I have several of them open. I want to learn programming, I want to get an amateur radio license, I want to learn electronics (the kind of stuff you do with Arduino), I want to write under my own name, I want to write erotica under an assumed name, I want to learn to play the guitar, I do brew beer pretty often, but wan to expand the kinds of beer I brew. . .
Several of those projects have been started and are stalled. They move forwards in fits and starts. I wonder if I shouldn’t admit to myself that some of these adventures are paths that are distracting me from being myself.
I haven’t committed to abandoning them. But, I have really benefitted from thinking of myself as a spiritual person again and I want to maintain that benefit in my life. So, it’s possible that I’ll formally walk away from erotica (as it seems furthest from who I am if I am really considering doing it under an assumed name) and may try to pick a few of the hobbies to focus on.
Questions: Is this a time in which you focus on new directions? How would you like to use the energy the returning sun will bring? Do you think I’m onto something with this whole in-step-with-the-planet idea, or have I made it up to make myself feel better?