I’m finding that I have at least two distinct modes in my relationship to the world, and, for want of better vocabulary, I’m calling them ‘open’ and ‘closed.’

I’m ‘open’ when I’m in a social setting of my choosing, when I’m happy and even excited to meet new people. Physically, I guess it feels a bit like a relaxation in my chest, as though some muscle group were no longer holding my ribcage tightly shut against the world at large.

When I’m feeling ‘open,’ I’m at my most in-the-moment, seeking out and enjoying new impressions, new experiences. If I could, I would take everything around me into me, make it part of me.

Much more typical  of my day-to-day, however, is ‘closedness.’ The best way I can think to evoke this feeling in myself is to imagine myself in a crowded elevator. There’s a tightness in my chest as I put up spiritual armor against the world around  me, I’m deliberately focused on my own inner world.

I’m not putting ‘closedness’ down: I’m sure it serves an important defensive function. For now, I’m saying that I wasn’t even aware that I had these two states and that, by being aware of them, I think I can better understand how I subconsciously feel about a situation at any time.

Coming soon:
My attempts to open myself when I realize that I’ve been closed  where I should be open.

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