I’m struggling as a pagan right now. This isn’t a crisis of faith — I think I’ve internalized the kindreds more than ever — it’s a crisis of… energy?
I’m tired, and that’s an energy of it’s own. I’ve been working on my own stuff for a while — more aspiring entrepreneur stuff than pagan stuff — and have worn myself out. Next week I was supposed to have a lot of time for myself to regenerate and work on my stuff. Then, I got a bunch of translations to do.
That’s a yay for my wallet, but I’m tired.
On top of that, I think I’m breaking up with a friend, at least temporarily. This is hard because it feels like abandonment and I’m talking about the kind of friend who supported me when I decided to become pagan, who was excited for me when I started meditating. But, she’s been putting out negative energy for a while — in the sense of “everything is shit” and “I hate my life” — and, in spite of a lot of offers and actual help from myself and another good friend, things aren’t improving.
I don’t want to get into her personal history. That’s not what this is about. But, suffice it to say, she has some reasons to be upset. But, while we’re ready to help, she seems to be unwilling to move towards a better place in her life, and I’ve muted notifications from her on my phone as I don’t know if I can continually buffer the energy she’s putting out.
Since when am I the kind of person who talks about the ‘energy’ a person puts out? Maybe I’ve absorbed more pagan thinking that I previously thought. The word does seem to better describe the situation than “the negativity she’s spreading” because it offers me the use of the words ‘buffer’ or ‘deflect’ or ‘work with’ which all expand my opportunities to change how I think of what I can do.
Maybe I’ll write a pagan lexicon. I did start a dictionary that I should return to.
Returning to the reason I started writing, I feel like I’m too absorbed in my own problems, too fixated on my own inner disquiet to get much out of the time I spend outside, in the presence of the Earth Mother and the nature spirits. This inner blocking makes it feel as though performing a ritual might be… wasted effort.
Perhaps it’s time for me to learn to approach the kindred when I’m not feeling as close to the kindred as I could be.